Thursday, March 29, 2012

THE SHARK CHRONICLES: POSTCARD THE THIRTEENTH

          "You know, I was in Illinois once," Darren told Riley, as he studied the picture of Wrigley Field on the postcard in his hand. "In Springfield, where Lincoln's buried. Great coffee place there." Riley panted for a moment, then swallowed.
          "Coffee tastes terrible." the dog said. Darren chuckled and scruffed Riley's ears for a few seconds before he turned over the postcard to read

DIRTY
(A ballad)


You tell me Chicago is a dirty city
I say you are a dirty liar
Pick up any pigeon and blow hard enough on it
It may just be a dove under all the dust and shit
Name me any other city that burned to the ground
Then rose like a shining phoenix
And the water tower that survived the fire
Is of the whitest hue, no soot from the pyre
The newest icon of this place
Is a spheroid of mirrored metal
You may tell me there are too many cars
But if there were more, we couldn’t see the stars
The winds blow up dust but they also blow it away
Chicago is an Indian word for wild onion
So if you peel away the layers of filth
Through the tears you’ll see beauty itself
You say a walk through the streets
Exposes you to germs and profanity
I say a take a stroll and smell the culture
Hear the languages, study the sculpture
The history here is unclean you claim
Show me a single place in this world untainted
This city grows and it feeds the world
Roots spread, vines splayed, leaves unfurled
Seeds of innovation, kernels of invention
Flowers of knowledge, fruit of art
Growth takes place in the dirt, deep in the soil
Result of care, attention, and toil
Look at the ground, you say,
See the litter and the stains
I say look up and see the sunlight
Setting the buildings on fire bright
You can argue all you want with me
But Chicago to me has no synonymy with dirt-
What’s that? Oh . . . yeah. Politics.
Yeah, you got me there.

Monday, March 26, 2012

THE SHARK CHRONICLES: TWELFTH POSTCARD

          Riley mumbled around the ball he held in his jaws. Darren grinned, and grabbed a hold of the ball, giving it a good yank. Riley refused to relinquish the ball, growling. Darren began prying the ball away, even kneeling for better leverage in the grass. Finally, he succeeded in getting the ball away.  Riley tensed  in anticipation of a chase after the ball, but instead, Darren stood, holding the ball up out of reach, since he was used to Riley's sudden leaps.
          "What were you saying?" Darren asked. Riley whined. "No, come on now, tell me first, then I will throw the ball."
          "I said thank you for playing with me. You have been boring while you read. All you do is sit and stare." Darren gave Riley an annoyed look.
          "You're the one who told me to go see the shark, remember?" Riley gave a short, sharp bark. Riley was just as annoyed, but didn't have a retort. "But yes, it's fun playing with you. I'm glad we stopped here for the day at this park too." Darren slowly cocked his arm back. "Ready? Here we go!" He gave the ball a good hard toss, and Riley was off, yelling "Whoooooooo-hoooooooo!" Darren chuckled.  Riley didn't come back with the ball, though, because he encountered another dog. The two dogs started to frolic, running back and forth, once they'd completed the obligatory butt-sniffing. Darren wondered what they said during that ritual.
          After a few moments, Darren stole a look down at the packet of postcards. He watched Riley while he reached down and took out the postcard in front. He'd been keeping them in order, putting each read one in the back of the stack.
          The one he held now showed an older photograph of a movie theater designed in a faux Egyptian style, and just in case the design wasn't obvious enough, it said, "Egyptian Theater, Boise Idaho" on the front, in small letters on the bottom right. Darren flipped it over.


A LIFE CAPTURED ON FILM


            Gwen stared down at the sticky bright blue trail her lollipop imprinted upon her shirt and jeans as it rolled down to the floor. She didn’t look at that for long because she was more interested in what she’d seen in the projection booth. She twisted to look up at the window again, but there was nothing to see except the dust swirling through the flickering beam shining through the glass.
            She glanced at her friend, Rachel, who was totally engrossed in the movie. Gwen and Rachel had completely different tastes in movies, but in the spirit of compromise they took turns choosing which movies to go see together. This one, some lame slapstick comedy involving talking ostriches, was Rachel’s pick. This meant that Gwen would, more likely than not, spend the duration of the film studying the details of the theater from the gooey debris on the floor to the chipped artwork on the ceiling.  At least this theater was more interesting than most, being the Egyptian Theater, an old art-house type of theater.
            “Rach,” Gwen whispered to her friend, “I just saw a mummy.” Rachel leaned slightly towards Gwen, cocking her ear, but not taking her eyes off the screen.
            “What?” Rachel’s lack of attentiveness was blatant, but also not news to Gwen. Gwen leaned and spoke into Rachel’s ear, causing her friend to flinch slightly with the unexpected volume.
            “A mummy! I just saw one, up there in the, what do you call it, the room with the projector. And,” she finished, as Rachel tore her eyes away from the screen to look at her friend confusedly, “I dropped my lollipop.”
            “What?” Rachel repeated, glancing back at the screen. Gwen rolled her eyes and slumped back in her seat.
            “Forget it, Rach. Just watch the movie,” she muttered. Several times, she stole glimpses at the window, but it remained empty of the shape she had seen. A shape of a person, all wrapped in ribbons of some dark and shiny material. Like film. Exactly like film.
            The following Monday at school during lunch, Gwen mentioned the mummy to her oldest friend, Alan, who grew up on the same street as she had.
            “Come again?” Alan cocked his ear at her, unsure of what he’d heard. Gwen shifted impatiently.
            “I mean it, Bean,” she declared, using their shared nickname, “I know what I saw. A mummy, standing right there in the projector room.”
            “Projection booth,” Alan corrected her automatically, but not out of any kind of snobbery. He just did that always, as she did for him. “Okay, well, it’s not impossible, I guess, because that place is haunted big time, but a mummy seems a really weird form for a ghost to be.”
            Gwen took a long sip from her Capri Sun juice pack.  “What are you talking about, haunted? Ghosts aren’t real.” Alan lifted his shoulders in a massive shrug.
            “You’re the one who’s talking about mummies, Bean. Shriveled up living dead people, like some of the teachers here,” Alan moaned, holding his arms out and shuffling a few steps. Gwen tossed her empty juice pack at him.
            “I never said it was a real mummy, like the monster movie kind, dumbass,’ she said. “It could have been some dude just all wrapped up, you know. I bet that’s a real boring job up there in the booth.” Alan snickered, raising his eyebrows.
            “I could think of many better ways to pass the time, for sure.” He remarked with a leer, scratching his unruly hair. Gwen reached out and bonked him gently on the head.
            “Perv,” she giggled.
            Gwen forgot about the mummy, the incident completely gone from her consciousness even when she returned to the Egyptian Theater twice in the following month.  However, during her third visit at the theater, as the previews played upon the screen, Gwen saw, for the briefest moment, the silhouette of an arm. As if someone had stepped too close to the projector.
            Quickly turning to scrutinize the booth window, Gwen’s skin went cold when she saw the wrapped figure standing there motionless. It definitely was wrapped in film, and as far as Gwen could tell, the ribbons of film left not one inch of skin exposed.  She stared at the mummy but could not tell if it stared back at her as it stood there without moving.
            This time she was with a group of friends from school, but none of them noticed, or cared, that she wasn’t into the various explosions caused by giant horseflies from outer space that were occurring upon the screen.  Gwen mumbled something about the bathroom, and made her way into the aisle.
            In the lobby, she looked around carefully as she walked up to the door with the worn sign that read EMPLOYEES ONLY.  There was just one person visible in the lobby, the concessions/maintenance/manager guy, a gaunt older man wearing an uniform that looked as if it might have been made early in the previous century. This sallow being was slowly sweeping spilled popcorn into those odd looking hinged devices at the end of a pole designed for cleaning up spilled popcorn.
            As quietly as she could, Gwen tested the knob to the door, twisting it firmly yet slowly. The door clicked open, and after another quick glance at the lonely employee, Gwen slipped inside the hallway. She walked quickly down the short span of the hall, coming upon three doors; two on her right and one on her left. Doing a quick mental calculation, she deduced that the door on her left led to the booth. The theater only had one screen so it was an easy guess to make.  This door was also unlocked, leading to a flight of stairs. Gwen slid off her flip-flops to avoid making any noise on the steps, cringing slightly at the filth her bare feet were making contact with as she ascended.
            Gwen realized all of her stealth and anxiety about being caught were all for nothing when she got to the top of the flight. The last door was locked, the knob not yielding at all to Gwen’s firm grip. Grunting with frustration, she gave the door a shove. The door slid open a few inches.  Gwen stifled a yelp of surprise. Gingerly she pushed the door further until she could see the machinery of the projector, as well as the digital controls. There was no one in the room. She listened to the whir of the machinery for a few moments before she turned and walked down the stairs, rubbing the gooseflesh on her arms.
            She searched various websites online for any information on a ghost or other apparition matching that of the figure she had seen, the filmummy, but her searches proved fruitless. However, Alan was right. The theater had quite the reputation for being haunted.  Dozens of stories filled cyberspace about sightings, stories of suicide and heart attacks within the building, stories of construction workers whose mangled remains would forever remain a part of the building’s foundation, and stories of Joe, the projector ghost. Joe was the projectionist at the theater for three decades, right up until when he had a heart attack on the stairs leading up to the booth, dying on the spot on the floor of the booth.
            Gwen leaned back in her chair, drawing her knees up to her chin and huddling her legs. “Joe,” she whispered, “what’s up with the mummy getup?” Joe was described as a fairly passive ghost, merely making his presence felt via flickering lights, thumps upon the stairs, a touch here and there on staff people’s shoulders.  Either the filmummy was a different ghost, Joe changing his style (or just becoming visible, since there were no actual reported sightings of Joe), or a real person wearing a quite specific outfit.
            Gwen decided there was one sure way of getting to the bottom of this puzzle. Since the school year would end soon, she applied for a job at the Egyptian theater, working the concessions stand. She agreed to half-pay, since the theater didn’t earn very much revenue. There was only one full-time staff person, Harry- the gaunt old man who was always there.
            Harry wasn’t one for conversation, but Gwen did find out he wasn’t the owner or the manager. The city owned the theater, which explained how the theater was able to stay open with a limited clientele and a single screen. It was designated a historical landmark in the eighties. Harry had nothing to say on the subject of Joe, however.
            As jobs went, it was a rather mind-numbingly boring one. Gwen did get to see each film during the first week of release from the booth. Harry explained to her that everything was digital now. The film was downloaded, then all he had to do was hit the start button, and let it run until the end. He didn’t even bother to stay in the booth anymore once he’d started the film. Gwen liked it in there, though. It was a cozy space, and granted her solitude. She sometimes did homework up there, and twice, she’d snuck Alan in. The first occasion, they spent their time chatting and laughing and eating junk food.
            The second time though, Alan wanted to look for the ghost. Gwen found this oddly annoying. The search felt as if it should be hers, alone. As Alan walked about the booth, stage-whispering, “Joe? Joe, come on now, we won’t hurt you. Jooooooooooooe?” Gwen found herself angry on a level she had never felt with her best friend, and the anger surprised her. Alan’s lighthearted attitude wasn’t necessarily the wrong one at all, really. Gwen also hadn’t seen the filmummy in nearly a month and half. For all she knew, Harry liked to play dress-up when the moon was full.
            Still, the booth’s atmosphere felt different to Gwen now. Almost- violated. No. That was too strong a word. Muddied seemed more appropriate. The air felt thicker, more difficult to breathe in. “Knock it off, Alan,” she’d snapped at him. Alan had turned to look at her bemusedly.
            “I’m just playing, Bean.” Alan held out his hands. Gwen turned away from him, looking out the booth window to hide the pique in her eyes.
            “Yeah, well, don’t. Just- I’m not in the mood,” she’d told him. Alan shook his head, perplexed.
            “Come on, what? You don’t really believe the ghost’s real, do you? They’re just stories, you know that, right?” Gwen stood up to gather her things, sighing irritably.
            “I got to get back to work,” she told Alan, her lips tense as the rest of her. Alan stared at her for a few moments, then slowly nodded, his jaws tight. He shook his head and picked up his backpack.
            “Whatever,” he muttered. He marched out of the room, peeved. Gwen took a few rapid steps to go after him, but then stopped. If he was going to be that pissy about it, he could just chill for a couple days.
            That had been a couple weeks ago. It was now a July Thursday night, and a murder mystery was showing. Gwen liked it the first four times, but now she was looking forward to the next film, even though it was a comedy of the type Rachel liked. Alan and she had patched up already, but Gwen had no desire to invite him back into the booth. She wasn’t sure that she was going to stay much longer at the theater anyway. It paid next to nothing and she didn’t exactly find selling soda, candy, and popcorn very simulating. She wasn’t thrilled with all the grease spots she kept finding on her clothes- even ones she was sure she hadn’t worn to work. It was as if the grease found ways to cling the fabric of her clothes and then transfer to the rest of her wardrobe.
            Consequently, Gwen began trying to clean her clothes before leaving at the end of her shift. She sat in the booth with a washcloth she brought along with her from home, scrubbing at the grease spots with various cleaners, half-listening to the film’s dialogue, which she already knew by heart. She was halfway through a butterfly shaped (but half-dollar sized) spot when she glanced up and saw the filmummy.
            She flinched so strongly the rag flew out of her hand to land scant inches from the apparition’s feet. She stood up quickly, hissing in trepidation when the figure’s head moved in synchronicity. She stepped to the side away from the chair, and the figure’s head moved again. It didn’t have a face, really, but there was an approximation of features underneath the filmstrips encircling its head.
            “Who are you? Is that you, Harry?” Gwen asked, still poised for flight. The figure stood motionless. Gwen studied the filmummy. It was too short to be Harry. Gwen cocked her head, which the figure mirrored. “Are you-” she closed her eyes, breathing out the next word with a nascent, hopeful pleasure, “Joe?” Silence. She opened her eyes to see the figure still motionless. “Not Joe?” she inquired. Still no movement. “Wait, you’re someone else?”
            The figure nodded slowly. The sound of the celluloid crinkling caused Gwen’s skin to crawl. Gwen then realized that she hadn’t heard the figure enter the booth, and given how loud the film swathing was, there was no way it’d walked into the room. She shivered involuntarily, then inhaled deeply. This, really, was why she was here.
            “So, who are you, then?” The figure said nothing in response to the question. After a moment, however, it moved again. It raised an arm, to point at the projector. Gwen shifted her gaze back and forth between the filmummy and the projector. “I don’t understand,” she protested. “You’re not Joe? Were you another projectionist?” The figure stood still, arm outstretched. Gwen pursed her lips, rolling her eyes slightly. “Don’t tell me I got to play twenty questions with you?” No answer. Gwen sighed, returning to the chair to sit down.  She rubbed her face with her hands slowly, organizing her thoughts. “Okay, so, you have some kind of relationship to the projector?” she asked, looking up to see the figure’s reaction, or lack of one.
            The figure was gone.
            “Aw, crappit,” Gwen said.
            She did not need to wait long before her next encounter, though. Two nights later, Gwen entered to the booth to discover the filmummy already standing at the window, gazing (or at least pointing its approximation of a face in that direction) down at the seats.
            With a resolution that took her by surprise, Gwen crossed the booth, and stood by the apparition. She stared down at the half-filled theater for a while, debating her next move. Suddenly, she reached out carefully without turning her head and brushed her fingers against the arm of the filmummy. The material was cool and smooth to the touch. The crackle as the filmummy’s head turned drew Gwen’s gaze.
            “I’m here for you,” she said.  The figure nodded once, then turned to point at the projector again. Gwen frowned as she considered this act. “You want something to do with that?” she inquired, inclining her head towards the projector. Another nod. “Okay, we’re getting somewhere,” Gwen continued with enthusiasm, “but can it wait til my shift is done? I’m due downstairs, and Harry will be up here soon to- and yeah.”  She didn’t bother to finish because the booth was now empty of any film-wrapped ghosts.
            At the concessions stand, minutes later, Gwen’s legs suddenly buckled under her as the enormity of what had just happened hit her. She’d basically made a date to meet with a ghost to do some unknown deed. Regaining her balance, Gwen prepared to begin her shift.
            She remained downstairs for the duration of the entire film, partly to sharpen her anticipation and partly because she was quite nervous about what would transpire. She was so nervous her concentration was shot. She caught herself having to ask customers to repeat their orders, and during the very long intervals between customers, she didn’t even think about grease spots.
            After Harry turned off the projector later that night, once the final showing was done, Gwen simply walked into the theater and sat in one of the seats near the back to wait. Harry cleaned the theater in the mornings, so once he shut down the projector, he did a quick sweep of the lobby and the restrooms to look for any stragglers, then left for the evening. Gwen knew where the spare keys were kept, so she had no concerns about being locked in overnight. The alarm system was a problem, but she figured that tripping it on the way out would be just a minor mystery to the police, and the incident would be forgotten as soon as proof that nothing had been vandalized or taken.
            Gwen waited in her seat until the main lights went off. Her eyes adjusted to the running lights alongside the walls, but she remained in the seat for a while longer until she was quite sure that Harry was long gone from the building.  Only then did she look back over her shoulder up at the booth. There the figure stood. “I will be right up there!” Gwen called, already up and walking towards the exit.
            When she opened the door to the booth, Gwen jumped slightly, for the filmummy was standing right there.  It turned and pointed again at the projector. Gwen stepped around the figure, nodding. “You want it on, huh?” The figure nodded, and walked over to the window, watching Gwen, or so she assumed.  She’d learned the basics from Harry, and was confident she could get the projector running. Anything more complex than that, she’d worry about when the time came.
            Once the projector whirred to life, and the bright beam of white light shone through the window onto the screen, the filmummy raised its hand again to point- but this time, at Gwen. Then it pivoted slowly, hand and finger still out, to point out the window. Gwen thought for a moment.
            “You want me back out there?” Nod. “You won’t disappear on me again?” The apparition shook its head. “Okay, then. Give me a minute.” She walked quickly down the steps, through the lobby, and back into the theater. She stood in the aisle, feeling awkward. She was about to call out and ask what next, when suddenly images appeared on the screen. Gwen started, watching the repeating loop on the screen.  It was a two or three second loop of a clip from a credits scene, which read “Introducing Alfred Gre-” (The last name was partially obscured by scratches).
            Then Gwen got it. She called out to the filmummy excitedly, “Your name is Alfred?” She could discern the answering nod. “How did you do that, Alfred?” she called out. Alfred held up his hand, and made some rapid motions in front of the projector lens with it. The loop appeared again. Gwen groped her way to a seat, still staring at the screen. She dropped down into the seat, her jaw open.
            “Alfred, that is amazing,” she exclaimed. “So you want me to watch some of the stuff you got wrapped around you, is that what you’re telling me?” Alfred nodded.  Gwen beamed at him. She turned around and settled down in the seat.  “Take it away,” she cried.
            Upstairs, Alfred began to dance. He gyrated, spun, leaped, threw his arms up, shuffled his feet, and many more movements, all at a rate faster than a human eye could discern. As he danced, different parts of his film bandaging flashed in front of the projector, and on the screen, for a rapt Gwen, the story of Alfred’s history played out. 


          When he was done, Darren blinked his eyes rapidly, adjusting to the bright sunlight outdoors, after having been inside the dim theater. He knew this was an illusion, but still his eyes did need to adjust. He realized Riley was at his feet, laying across them. Riley looked up at Darren. "How much more?" he complained to his owner.
          Darren stood up. "I'm done," he told the dog. Riley's tail began to wag.
          "With all of them?" Darren realized Riley was asking about the entire set of postcards.
          "Oh- no I mean I just finished this one. There's still, like forty more to go." Seeing Riley's look of incomprehension, he amended his reply. "A lot more."
          Riley lay his head back down, exhaling loudly. "Oh, man," the dog said.

Sunday, March 18, 2012

THE SHARK CHRONICLES: POSTCARD ELEVEN

     The postcard for Hawaii was for Honolulu, and featured several photos of tourist-oriented offerings. Darren waved the postcard at Riley.
     "Always wanted to go there," he told the dog. Riley farted in reply. Darren shook his head in amusement,  and began reading.


IN A (COCO)NUTSHELL . . .


            Jerome enjoyed the mocha he bought at Starbucks so much that he immediately decided to go a bit more “tourist”.  He’d bought a whole bunch of new shirts as soon as he checked in at his hotel, because he was embarrassed by all the Hawaiian-style print shirts he’d packed once he realized how that screamed “TOURIST”. He spent the new few days trying not to be such a haole. Haole. The pidgin Hawaiian word for a white tourist-type person. Like Jerome Keyes. That word reminded him of the word asshole, and indeed he definitely preferred to eschew all association with the image.
            But when he saw the advertisement for a mocha made with coconut milk at the Starbucks a couple blocks down from his hotel, he just had to try one. He could not get over how fresh the local fruits were here in Honolulu- the mangoes, the coconuts, and the pineapples. He would have a hard time going back to the canned stuff when he got back home from his vacation.
            The mocha was delicious, so he decided to stop by the International Market, and get one of the coconut drinks constantly hawked here- a whole coconut with just enough of the shell lopped off by a machete to allow a straw for drinking. Jerome also thought he could take the coconut back to his room and see if he could also extract enough meat from the shell to snack upon between meals.
            The vendor selling the coconuts informed Jerome that he could choose whichever coconut he liked, but he couldn’t touch any of them until it was paid for- health policy. Jerome took his time, trying to determine how to choose an ideal coconut by sight alone.  He held out his hand, like a sort of sensor, and it seemed to him that one particular coconut radiated just a tiny bit more heat than the others. Ah, what the hell.
            “That one looks good,” Jerome told the vendor, reaching into his pocket to pull out his wallet while pointing with the other hand. The vendor grinned broadly as he hefted his machete, scooping up the coconut.
            The coconut liquid proved to be just every bit as delicious as Jerome had hoped for, so he looked quite forward to tasting the contents at the earliest opportunity.
            The earliest opportunity came the next day, when Jerome returned from an early dinner down by the beachfront. He’d had a couple of beers and something called a Blue Lagoon, which was strong, sweet and . . . quite blue. The sun, the energy of the city had gotten to Jerome, and so he elected to call it a night early, chill in his room rather than spend the evening out in the streets, like he had he last few days.
As he lay upon his bed, his slightly woozy gaze sweeping around the room, he noticed the coconut sitting upon the end table near the cooling unit.
            Jerome got to his feet, and walked over to the table. He nearly dropped the coconut because it was slick with condensation, so he left it on the table to retrieve a hand towel from the bathroom.  He held it in place on the table as he began wiping it with the towel. Consequently, the genie bumped its head, quite hard, on the ceiling when it emerged from the coconut.
            Therefore the first word Jerome ever heard uttered by an actual magical deity was: “Fuck!”
Twenty minutes and five denials on Jerome’s part, the genie rolled its eyes. “Yes, I came from the coconut, Jerry. You can’t tell me I’m supposed to come from a lamp. That’s just a story, anyway. I’m here, yeah?”
Jerome rubbed his temples, then his eyes, but both the genie and headache remained. He stumbled backwards and sat down on his bed.
            “Alright, so you’re real, and you’re here. So.  Is there any truth to the wishing thing, or is that just a story too?” Jerome looked up at the table, and frowned. The genie was gone. Then he yelped, startled by the genie seated immediately on his right. The genie smiled, obviously pleased with itself.
            “Oh, no, you do get three wishes- but you gotta know, there are conditions.” Jerome glanced at the genie suspiciously. This sounded like a line from the Disney Aladdin movie. The genie continued. “You can have any three wishes you want, but remember this.  One wish you will regret as soon as it is granted, one wish will go wrong, and one wish will be overcompensated.  You will not know which is which until the wish occurs.”
            Jerome stared at the genie. The genie stared back. Then finally, Jerome blinked. “Say what?”
            The genie repeated the wish criteria. Jerome continued to stare. The genie stared back. Then Jerome gestured in bewilderment, also in contempt. “That’s . . . kinda fucked. Who’d want to make wishes under these circumstances?”
            The genie beamed. It spread its hands wide. “Exactly. You wouldn’t want a million people all clustered around each coconut tree, rubbing all the nuts, would you now? Gotta put a bit of a spin on it, make people think about it a little, maybe not share intel on us genies as enthusiastically, hmm?”
            Jerome had to admit, the genie had a point. But still! A magical deity that could grant him any three wishes! How could he turn that down?  He had this huge advantage over, well, the rest of humankind at this moment. The elation Jerome felt was so great he actually opened one of the bottles of water provided by the hotel. Never mind the replacement fee- he could wish for more bottles, the money to replace them or that he never drank the water in the first place. He drained the bottle, and then tossed it into the tiny wastebasket.
            “Alright. I’m down. How do we do this?” he asked the genie.
            The genie shrugged. “All you have to do is wish.”
            “Now?”
            “Whenever you like,” the genie replied. Jerome nodded, then sighed noisily.
            “Right, yes, but do I have to like say something specific? Or keep the coconut, rub it each time I want to make the actual wish?”
            The genie walked over to the window and peered out through the blinds. Then it looked at Jerome.
            “Magic, Jerome. I’m made of magic. You summoned me already. We’re bonded now. I serve you for the duration of these three wishes. I channel the forces, align the ley lines, pull the rabbit out of the hat. Abracadabra, and a lá peanut butter!” The genie uttered this last sentence in a very passable Sesame Street Count voice. The genie made a small bow. “No need to deal with the coconut anymore- I will not be going back in there. After my service to you is completed, I’ll find another suitable –“
            “-coconut,” Jerome declared. The genie gave him a look of annoyance.
            “-object. But it won’t be a lamp.”
            Jerome smiled. Then a horrifying thought occurred to him. “Wait a minute! When I was drinking the coconut milk earlier, I had the straw in there, with you!”
The genie just stared at Jerome. Finally, it nodded.
            “Well, yeah.” Jerome gagged.  The genie scowled. “Hey, it wasn’t any fucking picnic for me, either.”
            Jerome shuddered, and squeezed his eyes shut. “I really wish-“ he caught himself, inhaled deeply. “Almost blew that one,” he muttered.
            “Maybe,” the genie replied. “I can pretty much tell the difference between a real wish and a turn of phrase, but still, I commend you on your quick thinking. I can see you’re going to be taking this quite seriously-“
            “I wish I could get laid tonight, and not with just one woman,” Jerome declared.
            The genie blinked. “Or perhaps not,” it muttered under its breath. It gestured towards the window. “Well- go on, then. Night’s still young and your . . . wish awaits fulfillment.”
            Jerome leaped to his feet, and strode for the door, but then he stopped, and turned to ask the genie which wish this was, since he’d already made it. The room was empty. He shrugged. He had places to be!
            Two hours and three bars later, Jerome was beginning to wonder if he’d been scammed in some way, or if he’d imagined the entire genie thing. It had been a long and hot day.  Or perhaps this was the wish that he would regret. Ah, whatever.
“Fuck it,” he muttered angrily into his beer.
            “Not sure that’s your best option,” a voice said next to him. Jerome looked up quickly, surprised.  The woman seated next to him wasn’t exactly beautiful, but she had a nice aspect to her.
            “What?” Jerome asked a bit confusedly. The woman smiled, tilting her head flirtatiously. She nodded her head at the beer.
            “Ah well, you know, if you’re going to fuck, a beer might not be the best option, you know. Sure, it’s wet, but not a lot else going for it.” Jerome gaped at her. The woman giggled. Jerome let out an uncertain chuckle. “I’m Miriam,” the woman added, holding out her hand.
            Jerome took her hand. “Jerome,” he said. “You’re here by yourself?” he asked, signaling the bartender.
            “Actually,” Miriam replied coyly, “I’m here with a couple of friends . . .”
            Jerome grinned.
            Not only was the orgy one of the most exciting events Jerome had ever experienced, but also the sex itself was quite incredible. Miriam and her friends were quite skilled. Utterly drained, but quite content, Jerome lay upon his bed as the women gathered up their clothes, cleaned up, drank from his minibar, and various other post-coital activities. He had just begun to doze off when Miriam nudged him.
            “That’ll be $1000,” she said, zipping up the side of her very short and snug dress.
            Jerome came wide wake, sitting up with eyes wide. “Say what?” he exclaimed incredulously. Miriam fixed him with cold eyes.
            “$1000, “ she repeated. “Of course, feel free to tip us extra.” Jerome shook his head vehemently.
            “Wait, no. You’re hookers?” he demanded, his voice cracking with indignation.
Miriam tilted her head, rolling her tongue inside her cheek impatiently.
            “Don’t pretend you didn’t know, pal,” she retorted, glancing at her companions with tightened lips. The temperature in the room seemed to drop several degrees, and the women were definitely far less friendly now.
            “But I didn’t!” Jerome exclaimed.  “You tricked me!” he accused Miriam. “There’s no way I would have done this if I knew- and I don’t have that kind of money!”
            If Jerome thought the temperature was cold and the women were unfriendly before, there was definitely no doubt of these conditions now.
            “Are you,” Miriam asked in a tone below zero, “telling us you aren’t going to pay?”
            Jerome nodded with conviction. “Damn right,” he declared. Then he slowly turned his head in disbelief. He would have raised his hands in a gesture of righteous anger, but the handcuffs prevented that; the handcuffs slapped onto his wrists by the blond companion – Jerome was pretty sure her name was Dana.
            “What the hell is this shit?” Jerome exclaimed. He stood up, intending to make his way out of the room for some assistance, but then the other woman actually tackled Jerome, bringing him down painfully and definitively. He attempted a kick at his assailant, but Dana had already slapped another pair of handcuffs onto his ankles. She was quick, Jerome had to give her that. Dana and the other woman flipped him onto his back, and so that he was looking up at the obviously pissed Miriam.
            “Listen,” she stated,” you only get to screw us one way. But you try screwing us another way, guess what?” She reached into her purse, which was actually more of a shoulder bag, and pulled out a very large dildo. With barbs on it. A very large one. “We screw you right back.”
            Jerome began to scream. Then he really began to scream.
            The next morning, he limped his way out of the hotel and hailed a taxi. “Airport,” he whispered. To hell with the rest of his vacation. He was going home, to try and forget the terrible ordeal he’d been through. As he sat down gingerly in the back seat, he leaned forward. “Do you take credit cards? I don’t have any cash.”
            Four hours later, he finally limped into the airport, dragging his luggage on broken wheels. Yet again, he silently cursed Miriam and her harpy accomplices. He was in great pain, and utterly cash-broke. After they’d thoroughly humiliated and abused Jerome, they’d taken all of his cash and clothes, except his dirty underwear and a single outfit. Which of course included his most garish Hawaiian print shirt.  A shirt that screamed, “TOURIST”.
            After a week or so of increasingly bringing his credit cards closer and closer to their maximum limits, Jerome sat on his dusty and sagging sofa contemplating his situation.
            “Ah, shit,” he exclaimed. “Here goes, I wish, I wish I would have more than enough money to get out of debt and live comfortably for quite some time.” That wish could not possibly go wrong, he reasoned.   Suddenly Jerome brightened as an idea occurred to him. He could expedite this wish by going out and buying a lottery ticket. He got up carefully from the sofa- certain areas were still quite tender- and grabbed his keys from the peg they hung upon by the front door.
            Jerome hadn’t gotten more than two blocks down the street before he was hit head-on by a careening car. He woke up in the hospital without any recollection of the accident, but the lawyer who sat down by his bed to recount the incident assured Jerome that the other driver, with a .23 blood alcohol content was more than responsible for the numerous broken bones and punctured lung Jerome had suffered. The monetary compensation potential was quite large, the lawyer assured Jerome. Enough to allow him to live very comfortably for quite some time, and then some.
            On the eve of his third night at the hospital, as the myriad starbursts of pain burned through the morphine fog Jerome tried to remain shrouded within, he had an epiphany.  This had all began with the genie, and the genie was magical. Any wish he could have, any wish at all.
            Jerome swallowed, and through cracked lips, mumbled, “I wish I never met the genie.”
            SNAP.
            Jerome stood in his hotel room in Honolulu, two weeks backwards in time, staring at the genie, who was glaring back at Jerome with such concentrated hatred Jerome’s knees actually buckled slightly.
            “Do you know what you have done?” snarled the genie, instantly a mere inch from Jerome’s frightened face.
            “I don’t- I don’t und-understand,” stammered Jerome. “ I wished that I-”
            “I know what you wished, you fucking idiotic worm!” roared the genie. “You created a paradox, you asshole! A Möbius strip!”
            Jerome held up a trembling hand. “I’m sorry, I don’t know what that is,” he begged.
            The genie’s expression grew even more scornful and hatred, and Jerome felt his bladder release.
            “It’s really quite simple,” the genie hissed, “you’ve created a continuous, never ending time loop. In wishing you never met me, you nullified the wishes granted, yet to have the third wish granted, the other wishes cannot be nullified. You see? Round and round we go . . . for eternity . . . dick.
            Jerome staggered backwards until he bumped up against the bed. “You mean . . .?”
            “Oh yes,” the genie stated, “I’m stuck here, trapped with you forever. No, actually, let me rephrase that. You’re stuck here with me, for eternity . . .  and I am pissed.”
            Jerome gulped. “What- wh-what are you going to do?”
            The genie smiled. And Jerome nearly went insane.
            “Everything,” the genie said.
            Jerome began to scream.

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

THE SHARK CHRONICLES: TENTH POSTCARD

The postcard Darren held had a grease spot on the front that obscured the name of the restaurant featured in the photograph. Darren could just make out "The Cast Iron-" but that was all. The restaurant looked to be a traditional Southern diner.  Darren wiped his hand on his jeans and was annoyed to see he'd smeared some grease onto them. He made a mental note to wash his jeans as he turned over the

FOOD FIGHT
It wasn’t the cannon fusillade that nearly killed Super Peanut. It was actually his near collision with the enormous spigot as he executed a looping upwards swing from his recent swift descent through the now shattered glass panes from the roof of the processing plant. The edge of the faucet was corroded and cracked, and as Super Peanut passed within inches of the metal, he could see with his enhanced vision the molecules of rust and spores of mold, ready to enter through any potential wounds should he  actually cut or gouge himself on the spigot.
He bent his head and shoulders back further to avoid contact, and succeeded. He spun in midair, and detached an explosive shell from his utility belt, which he lobbed at the cannon. The cannon broke apart with several loud popping noises. The ammunition within reacted to the heat, bursting percussively. Super Peanut completed his swoop and leapt upon a ledge, shoving aside the cartons stored there. He glared down at his adversary, the Kernel, hurling aside the vine he’d used for his dramatic entrance.
The Kernel glared back, his yellow, bumpy face suffused with frustrated rage. His green fibrous coast rustled loudly as he pointed at Super Peanut.
“You haven’t beaten me yet, Super Peanut!” The Kernel snarled, clenching his hand into a fist. “You may have destroyed my Cob-shooter, but I can build more! Besides-” The Kernel smiled evilly and pointed at the double doors on the ground level. “I didn’t arrive alone.”
The double doors crashed open, spilling light onto the chaos inside. Super Peanut whipped his head around to stare at the silhouette outlined within the doorway. A curvaceous silhouette. It could only be-
“Lady Cola!” Super Peanut exclaimed. “I warned you to leave town!” The villainess responded with a bubbly laugh, but Super Peanut knew all too well the acidic persona underneath the sugarcoating.
“I did,” Lady Cola purred, “but then I came back. I just couldn’t stay away from this city. So metropolitan, so chic, so . . . under-policed.” With that, she help up her patented popcap gun, the light glinting off its shiny, sleek barrel.
As distracting as Lady Cola’s figure was, Super Peanut kept his eyes on her weapon. He’d experienced firsthand the painful consequences of underestimating the effectiveness of the razor-sharp bottlecaps it fired.
“Give up, S.P.!” the Kernel exclaimed. “You can’t take us all on!”
Super Peanut stood straight, hands on hips. “Wanna bet? The Lady’s got a glass jaw, and I’ve defeated you many times, Kernel!”
The Kernel’s face flushed again, this time with embarrassment, but he managed to twist his pebbly features into an approximation of a sneer. “You misunderstood me. I didn’t say ‘take both of us on’; I said ‘take us all on’.”
The wall directly beneath Super Peanut exploded inwards, and the ledge Super Peanut was standing upon gave away. By the time he’d landed on his feet, shook the dust out of his eyes and ears, he was immobilized. He strained to look down at the enormous arms that enclosed his body, and could just make out green flesh encrusted with a gritty golden-brown mixture. Super Peanut flexed his own arms, but whoever had him in its grip was definitely much stronger. Super Peanut was truly trapped.
“My I have the pleasure,” the Kernel said, as he strode over to stand by Lady Cola, “of introducing . . . the Okra Ogre!”
So that was why he could smell fried batter, Super Peanut realized.
“I wouldn’t fight too much,” Lady Cola called out, “struggling makes him soggy, and you wouldn’t like him when he’s soggy.”
Super Peanut simply glared at her. He concentrated on seeing if he could move his hand and wrist within the crushing hold in which the breaded green giant held him. Slowly he moved his thumb and forefinger towards an item on his utility belt. He counted on the Kernel’s propensity to talk ceaselessly to serve as a distraction from his subtle actions. The Kernel failed him not one bit.
“So!” the Kernel declared grandly, picking up his cane and twirling it, “As you can see, we have banded together to combine our various strengths and talents-”
“Let’s not forget intellects.” the Lady interjected pointedly. The Kernel shot her a nasty look before continuing.
“Right. As I was saying, we have joined forces, to form the . . . Junk Squad!”
Super Peanut actually could not stop himself. The single guffaw echoed within the interior.
The Kernel bit his lower lip, and darted a glance at the Lady, who was busy rolling her eyes. “Perhaps the name is still in development. But nevertheless, we have come together to form an unbeatable team! Together, we shall rule Atlanta!”
Super Peanut wrapped his hand around the object he’d finally freed from his belt. A push of a button with his thumb, a flick of his wrist, and his goober bomb was armed. He tossed it as far as he could from his body, and then buried his face into the Ogre’s arms, flattening his nose. He counted to three then blew air into his nasal passage as hard as he could, equalizing his ears against the-
KA-BLAM! The goober bomb detonated, sending out a massive sonic wave that knocked the Lady and Kernel off their feet. The Okra Ogre roared, and its grip on Super Peanut loosened. That was all Super Peanut needed.
He dropped down onto his rear, then spun and leaped clear of the Ogre’s swipes. The Ogre kept shaking its head, trying to clear the ringing in its ears; its tiny eyes squeezed shut in pain. Super Peanut almost felt sorry for him. Almost.
He un-holstered his Vineclimber, and aimed it straight up at the jagged opening in the roof. He squeezed the trigger, and the quick-drying poly-resin shot out to form an elastic rope that adhered to the surface of the roof outside the broken panes. He pressed the trigger again, and the powerful gears inside the barrel spun, pulling Super Peanut up the length of the rope and also chewing into the rope as the gears turned, degrading the vine below so that no one else could climb in pursuit.  A very clever device, patented by his mentor, the original Super Peanut.
Super Peanut wriggled his way to a stable portion of the roof, and stood up, brushing broken glass and stray breadcrumbs off himself. He gave the single curl on his forehead a quick twist and grinned. He glanced down at the slowly stirring figures of Lady Cola and the Kernel, roused by the angry bellows of the Okra Ogre as it leaped upwards again and again, reaching futilely for Super Peanut far above. He chuckled, and then turned-
He started, for a cloaked figure stood a few feet away, its face hidden by the shadow of its broad hat.
“Wha-?” was all Super Peanut was able to utter before the figure held up a canister and released a cloud of indigo gas into his face. Coughing, Super Peanut inhaled the gas and found himself falling back, falling through the hole, through the night, through the world . . .
* * * * *

                When he came to, Super Peanut found himself in a familiar situation. He was tightly bound to a chair in a dark room, with a single light bulb swaying above him. However, something was different. His opponents often underestimated his capabilities as an escapist, leaving his utility belt on. This time, it had been removed, as well as the lock-picking tools and tiny saw blades he normally kept secreted in his body armor. Which meant his captors knew most of his secrets. There weren’t many people alive who did.  The Peasmaker had known everything, but he was gone now, having been greased by the Porkrinder. Still, he was alive. He would wait for an opportunity- all he had to do was to stay alert.
                “Ah, you‘re awake,” a voice spoke from within the darkness. Super Peanut strained to focus, his vision still hazy from the effects of the sedative gas. He shook his head slowly. He sensed rather than saw the presence of the others in the room with him. As Super Peanut’s concentration sharpened, he surmised that he was still in the same processing plant, just in a more private area. An unused office or storage room.
                “You realize that your career is over, yes?” the voice continued. “We have you, Super Peanut, dead to rights, I’d say.”
                Super Peanut squinted into the darkness. “So you say,” he retorted.  He inhaled deeply, catching a whiff of caramel coloring #33. So the Lady was closest to him. He started mapping a mental layout of the room. Any opportunity at all.  A dry chuckle came from the shadows.
                “Ah, yes. So sure of yourself. That arrogance you are so famed for.” (Super Peanut heard a faint snigger off to his left rear. Now he knew where the Kernel was. )
                “What you call arrogance, I consider confidence,” Super Peanut declared, opening his eyes as wide as he could. The quicker his vision adjusted to the gloom, the quicker he’d be able to discern more details.
                “It would appear that you missed your true vocation, then. Perhaps instead of being a vigilante, you should have gone into acting? Why I don’t believe you’ve even broken a sweat.” Super Peanut could just make out the outline of the speaker. The figure still wore the hat and cloak. “No, I say arrogance. That is the one trait all of you so-called superheroes share, this delusion that you have the right to decide the moral standards, and to act outside the law, and that no one will hold you accountable. That is why you all always fail. Look at the Peasmaker, the Garden Goddess, and of course, True Grits.”
                Super Peanut started. “True Grits? What happened to him?” The figure nodded slowly.
                “True Grits might be now more appropriately called ‘True Bits’, since his unfortunate encounter with a bomb.” At the word “bomb”, a snort emerged from a corner of the room. The snort of a large, green creature sensitive to loud noises and not wanting to b exposed to another explosion soon. Super Peanut now knew where everyone in the room was. He smiled.
                “You find the demise of your comrade to be humorous? The figure queried in slight confusion. Super Peanut shook his head, still smiling.
                “No- I am simply amused by the fact that you overlook your own arrogance. Here, you have me all tied up, you got my belt, you got my tools. But you missed one major, major thing.” With that, Super Peanut twisted his forearms, releasing the catch on his body-armor sleeves. His arms freed of constraints, the superhero whipped his hands up and out of the ropes, reached up and grabbed the rim of the lamp hanging from above.  He pulled his entire body upwards and twisting as hard as he could, feeling his ribs twinge as he did so, spun the chair around so that he was facing the Lady Cola still standing where she’d been, too surprised to move.
                Super Peanut held onto the lamp for a second longer, listening to the vibrations in the room carefully, then he let go, leaning back as hard as he could. He crashed painfully onto his back just in time to trip the approaching Okra Ogre, who then barreled right into the Lady Cola, bearing her down to the ground.
                Super Peanut kicked the loosened ropes off his legs, and dove for the Lady’s popcap gun, which the Lady had released when the hulking fried beast had piled into her like a linebacker. He leaped to his feet and fired several caps at the approaching Kernel, propelling and pinning the villain’s hat to the wall behind the Kernel.
                Super Peanut swiftly backed up against the wall, covering everyone with the gun. “No one move- and you-” he addressed the mysterious figure, “kindly return my belt to me.”
                The Figure suddenly lifted his hand, holding up the utility belt. “You mean this, then?” The figure’s abrupt laugh filled the room with harshness. “Now why would I do that? When you have all those goodies in here?”
                Super Peanut tried a gambit he’d often practiced successfully in the past. “Be careful how you hold that!” A tinge of panic crept into his voice.” If you accidentally press the nutshell symbol, you’ll set off the self-destruct mechanism and blow us all up!” Another snort from the Ogre at this.
                The figure gasped. “Oh! Oh dear, then I shall be quite certain to not press the symbol, because, really, I have no use for your Nutmobile, not do I have any desire to be subjected to its remotely activated defense systems once it reaches here, keying onto the distress beacon/remote control that the symbol actually activates.” The figure chuckled again at Super Peanut’s obvious consternation.  “Don’t be so surprised. Of course I know all about the secrets of this belt. After all,” the figure continued, stepping into the light and removing its hat, “I invented it!”
                Super Peanut stared at the face of his old mentor, the original Super Peanut, who had taken him under his tutelage and trained him to be the crime fighter he was today. “Nutter! But why? How could you ally yourself with these people?” He punctuated the last word of his question with a stamp, a surprisingly childish movement for such a formidable superhero.
                Harlan Nutter sighed.  “Oh, Peanut.  You know already- this life that you live, the one I gave up, where is the money? The respect? As long as we wear a mask, and risk our lives for the mindless mob, we get some accolade, yet we must be as wary of the police as those we fight. And once we put that mask aside, we realize that we have saved nothing for our twilight years, that nothing you accomplished will be respected by employers or the law. All I want is a nice retirement, and with these people working for me, that is what I will have.”
                “Over my dead body,” Super Peanut declared. Nutter shrugged.
                “I would prefer you join us, but I respect your wish. If you prefer to join instead the ranks of defeated, defunct, and deceased heroes, then all you can blame is your own arrogance.” Nutter draped the utility belt over his shoulder, and reached into his coat, pulling out a dart gun.  “These are not tranquilizer darts. No, they contain a very deadly poison.”
                “There’s that word again,” Super Peanut said, his voice tinged with amused regret. Nutter’s face went blank with incomprehension.
“What, ‘poison’?” he inquired.
“No, Nutter,” Super Peanut corrected, “arrogance. You assumed that because you designed the belt and the devices it contains, that I wouldn’t change or improve upon the belt. Come on, it’s been twelve years since I started wearing the mantle, you know.”
Nutter glanced quickly at the belt draped over his shoulder, trying to decide if Super Peanut was bluffing.  Super Peanut simply stared at him with the same amused yet regretful expression. Super Peanut had dabbled in amateur theater when he was in college, and did have some talent in that field.
“What are you tal-“ Nutter failed to utter another sound as the belt emitted a powerful electrical discharge that immediately shorted out his synapses. Nutter collapsed to the floor, as did Super Peanut, diving out of the way of the projectile released by Nutter’s involuntary squeeze of his dart gun.
* * * * *
As he drove back to his hideout, Super Peanut grinned as he recalled the incredulous expressions on the police officers faces when they arrived at the plant to round up the Junk (really?) Squad, in response to the anonymous call he’d made. He’d watched them drag the unconscious bodies of the four criminals, all fast asleep courtesy of Nutter’s knockout gas. He made a mental note to replace the trigger in his boot sole, the trigger that would activate the electromagnetic circuit in his belt within thirty seconds. That was an experimental feature, but after its successful deployment upon his former mentor, Super Peanut decided that it was a keeper.
The day had brought sad news; the death of True Grits, and the discovery of Nutter’s betrayal to everything that Super Peanut stood for, but Super Peanut also felt pride. He had saved the city again, and that amounted to a whole lot!
Super Peanut realized he was hungry. Jam and butter on bread sounded good. He sped on down the road in the Nutmobile.